I had never given much thought to how I would die. But I had to admit this was a pretty good way to go. Having all my skin scalded off by hot chocolate fudge which I was slowly gorging myself on so I may die of a stomach explosion before I die of third degree burns. My beloved zombie lover, Eduardo with skin like a porcelain doll that’s been dressed in doilies and then buried in snow and then covered by a white polar bear (although they actually have transparent fur which reflects the white around them), could do nothing but watch in horror. Or maybe it was lust. I mean getting dipped in chocolate is extremely sexy according to those magnum commercials that they always show. Anyway, I digress. I was dying.

--
My story started when I moved to the small city of Sporks known not only for its gloomy weather, vampire population and large population of fanboys but also for its world famous hotdogs. I flounced into town riding on a dragon that I had charmed with my incredible beauty. His name was Jacques and I loved him. Anyway, as I entered Sporks my father came out to greet me. “OMG! Bella, u r SHRN!” He greeted me.
“Father, I have some unresolved issues with you hence you shall give me my own car.” I said, flicking back my shoulder length tawny hair that looked like spun gold in the dying sunlight.
“Lol. No, I dun tink so.” He said, grinning...grinningly.
“I, Bella vi Brittania COMMAND you to give me a car.” I demanded, my usual crystal blue eyes like pieces of lost sapphire dipped in blue paint, turning dark purple like the hide of an Espeon (of course my eyes routinely turned purple when they hit the light right or when I was happy and sometimes they looked like a green ocean when I was upset). He handed over his car keys, his wallet and his social security number.
“Now, I will rule the world!” I laughed maniacally, the sound of my laughter killing millions of fanboys who thought I was laughing at the futility of their love for me (which in a way, I was).
“Who has that dreadful laugh?” Suddenly, a boy appeared out of nowhere. He had hair as dark as his eyes which were as dark as his past which was as dark as his soul which was as dark as a black dog eating dark chocolate in a tar pit at midnight in one of those towns that have no streetlights. He also had an air of glitter around him.
“Damn sparklies!” he yelled, batting at them and stopping world poverty at the same time.
“Chuck Norris?” I guessed, fear tainting my usual song like voice that made mermaids sound like chainsmoking tigers with laryngitis.
“Close, but not quite.” He said, smugly, his topaz eyes reflecting my worried glance so it looked like I was drowning in honey.
(Reader: Wait, didn’t you write he had dark eyes before?
Me: Shuddup, Continuity is for losers and politicians!)
“My name is Eduardo J. Cullen…the third! I’m half brother to Edward Cullen on my mother’s side and cousin to zombie Jesus on my father’s. Hence I am a zombie, vampire Gary Stuesque man-stud!” He proclaimed making every single girl within a fifty mile radius vomit up their heart in pure lust and all the men cry salty tears of regret that they hadn’t sold their soul to a witch doctor while they were still young and sexy. And covered in glitter.
I felt my heart pound for this mysterious boy but I knew we could never be together. Even though he could easily bite me and turn me into a vampire or I could purchase a zombifying potion from Coles or fifty conveniently placed local gas stations. Or I could just get over my prejudiced ways and accept him as he was, I mean if a man can marry a goat and not be looked down on couldn’t I accept one date with a zombie vampire from New Mexico?
“You can’t, because I am currently pretending to hate you whilst hiding my true feelings which makes no sense because we just met and you’ve done nothing but stand there making social commentary.”
“You can read minds?”
“Oh please,” He demanded, flipping back his beautiful yet manly locks of hair that were like perfectly spun threads of alpaca wool. “Not only can I read minds but I can also perform brain surgery, hypnotize millions of people into following franchises, digest metal and complete every level on Dance Dance Revolution on super-hard-crappy-nerds-with-too-much-time-on-their-hands mode! And not miss a single step!”
This proved too much for me. His sheer excellence sucked all the air out of my lungs and I fainted, prompting my father to exclaim “Ohnoes! Bella! BFF!”
Yes, Eduardo’s special powers were already transferring to me through our love and I’d gained the skill of being able to write while being unconscious. It was the best day EVER..

--
“Bella? Bella? Can you hear me?”
The world slowly started to become colourized again and I experienced that feeling  like when you walk out of a dark room after waking up and the light floods into your eyes and you go temporarily blind so you walk into your breakfast bar and end up with a wicked bruise on your elbow but you can’t wear a bikini for like a month or you look like one of those girls who gets in fights all the time and that’s unbecoming. Anyway, I opened my eyes to see Eduardo’s concerned, pale face with rosebud lips that pouted like a strange pink goldfish, leaning over me. I sat up carefully. I was sitting in a room full of cushions and D.V.Ds.
“Where am I?” I asked, my shining eyes filling with confusion the way you fill a jug with lime cordial then serve it with light refreshments on a hot summer’s day.
Eduardo stepped away from me and gestured around the room.
“This is my breathing room.” He tore his glance away from me and wistfully looked around. “When all the fangirls and booksignings get too much I just like to come here and relax, watch a few episodes of The Wonder Years.” He turned to look back at me.
“You’re the first person I’ve ever allowed in this room.”
All ready I could feel the tension growing between us like a person continues to grow if they consume too much food then spend all their time inside reading pointless stories written by people with no lives and little to no self confidence.
(Actual Twilight Fan: “Hey, what kind of tangent is this? There was no breathing room in the series! And vampires can’t even breathe!”
Me: “Oh, so he doesn’t burn in sunlight but he still doesn’t breathe? La-di-da.”
A.T.F: “And where’s all the other Cullens? And the other characters?”
Me: “You mean there’s more than two? Fine, have your crappy characters.”)
Suddenly, the room exploded and I was thrown into Eduardo’s arms. Out of the dust appeared a boy with unusual hair growth.
“Put down my wife!” He yelled dramatically, light filtering through his windswept back hair.
“What are you? Some kind of yeti?”  I asked, confused but not confused enough to stop burying my face in Eduardo’s slim yet muscular if not slightly rotting frame (he was a zombie after all).
“Hell no! I’m Jacob, the pimpingest werewolf this side of West Philadelphia.” He proclaimed, pimpingly. I noticed a glimmer of bling among his chest fur, like you noticed a glow in the dark motif on someone’s shirt while hanging out in a gloomy discothèque.
“Wait, why did you call me your wife?”
“And why did you blow up my sanctuary?” Eduardo sniffed (but he didn’t cry, he never cries, vampire zombies don’t cry tears-tears cry vampire zombies!).
“Because….I’m..pimping…” As the criminal nature of his actions hit him, he looked wildly for a way to escape. He grabbed a nearby man in a wheelchair and jumped on the back.
“Drive, dad, drive!” he yelled, desperately.
“Not until you stop marking your territory in the good loungeroom!”
Jacob Mcpimpingsticks realised he had no choice but to face the consequences of his actions. He turned to me and Eduardo and with regret in his hair covered eyeballs he apologized. At once my mind was completely taken off of Eduardo. This boy could offer me so much more. A life full of seedy bars and excitement, a life full of fur coats and table dancing, a chance to use those wax strips I got for half price from Priceline!
“I love you, Jacob!” I yelled, throwing myself at him.
“Bitchin’! I have a bitch! Literally because I’m a dog! I want scooby snacks!”
Eduardo’s face was overcome with a cold fury which only intensified his beautiful features over 9000 times.
“Bella, how could you?”
“I thought you hated me.”
“I was just waiting for the optimal time to reveal my true feelings! You know we could never be together!”
“Why not?!” I yelled, tears rolling down my face like spit rolling down a baby’s chin.
“Because I’m human? Or because I’m a woman?”
“A little bit of both!” He yelled back, before taking a deep breath. “But mostly because…”He paused because the truth was too painful and because he wanted to increase the suspense.
“Why?!”I demanded.
“Because, I’m the one who flamed your Fanfiction.net account.” He admitted.
My blood ran colder than his undead, porcelain skin. Eduardo was not only a zombie vampire that could cure cancer and replicate puppies but also…a troll? My world was set spinning. Eduardo was the one who had been hounding me for months, telling me my metaphors and similes were over extended, my characters were Mary Sues based on myself and my grammar;w.as[[really/bad,. If it wasn’t for my supportive fanbase on myspace and 4chan.com, I would have stopped writing forever. I never again would have dazzled the world and my league of fanboys with my enchanting stories of the love between an OC and every male character in every series ever.
“I’m sorry, Bella. I didn’t mean to discourage you or hide the truth. I just,” He inhaled deeply, ignoring continuity again. “I hate the pairing Cho/Malfoy. They’ve never even met!”
“What about Quidditch?” Jacob interjected.
“Don’t talk back to me, hair boy!” Eduardo sent out waves of dog attracting pheromones sending Jacob into a frenzy.
“I’m sorry, master.” He grovelled.
“Good boy. Now get on your knees, bitch.”
Jacob looked slightly uncomfortably at this moment of role reversal but complied. I stood by shocked. How would this turn out? Would there be a fight over little old me? Would Jacob win? Would Eduardo win? Or would I be forced to watch them act on their deeply suppressed and only hinted at in fanfics and moments of author boredom feelings? And how would I react if they did? (To the youtube!)
Find out in the next thrilling chapter of…Skylight!